Liar Liar Pants on Fire

Its fairly common for residents to lie to us to get what they want, I mean for the whole world is like that, I guess it’s the lies that we hear are more distinguishable and outlandish that I feel like makes us an exception to the quality and the quantity of lies to the rest of the business world.  Some lies I hear takes me a minute to investigate to find out what they are trying to hide, which I love doing for the Aha! moments, and some lies just make me want to laugh and spin in my chair. 

 

So a last month I had a resident claiming she had paid her rent and was “pissed” that she got a 72 hour notice.  Well have a seat and let’s figure it out together.  Did you get a receipt from us? “No.”  Do you know how you paid it, check, money orders, certified funds, online visa, monopoly money, what?  “I think 2 money orders, because dad pays for half my rent.”  (of course he does!  And if you are so poor that you need your daddy to help you, you don’t keep track of every dollar?)  Anyway so she starts sobbing uncontrollably, I mean like tears and all, as if someone just stole her baby, which got kind of awkward because, as she was crying into her hands, she would peak at me through her fingers.  So than she starts ARGUING that she remembers giving it to some Hispanic lady in a pastel shirt that sat at the front desk.  Well that’s interesting because we don’t have Hispanic lady working for us, since I’ve worked here, ever.  So than she abruptly storms out of the office, leaving my assistant and I just staring at each other with “what the fuck just happened” faces.  Few short minute later she comes back in cussing herself out loud, holding the money she says she gave to us, well to some Hispanic lady.  No apologies, no nothing, just said she got confused.  Yea!!! No problem!

 

-Jewels

My lawyer is better than your lawyer

Most than anything I and other property managers love the residents that make it a sport of torturing and challenging the office staff, especially me, since the title manager means “the only person to handle a noise complaint.” So I recently had this resident, an old mean granny that decades ago had a job as a legal secretary (pfffit… big deal, all it means is you’re a minion for an attorney) and finds it fulfilling to question and demand an explanation for every move we make, and as classy as she posses herself it’s not above her to yell and cuss us out. 

So a year later we finally got fed up with her antics and served her a notice.  Of course she’s an expert on the matters and storms in threatening to sue us and blah blah blah.  Go ahead.  So she finds this ambulance chaser who takes this poor angry residents money to write a ridicules letter, which I always find amusing.  And as soon as our attorney responds, folds and gives a 30 days notice on behalf of the resident.  Really?! Was it worth it wasting your retirement money?  And of course this resident shorts her rent payment, demands we don’t charge her anything for damages.  At this point I don’t even care, your one foot is out the door the other one is on a banana peal.  Just get out.  She finds anyway possible to torture us all the way until her departure. 

 

So she asks that we let her move out earlier than her 30 days notice.  Yes, please!  Well she must have been a clever spy in her past life because what she actually does, returns a key and says she moved out. Little did she know I’m actually good at my job and go to the unit the following day to do a move out inspection.  Her shit is still there, along with her 2 dogs, an unauthorized cat and herself, clever. So after explaining that if you are still in the unit that means you have the possession of the unit, so she corners me and explains that she made those extra keys and paid for them so she’s keeping them, and after you break down her nonsense to her, her only response is “I worked for an attorney!”  What am I supposed to bow down and pee myself?  Just get out!  Clever still, she turns in her keys days later, claiming she has moved out.  Yes, finally!  Hallelujah! So I happily skip over there and talk myself into erasing any memory I have of her and pep myself up about the new sweet old lady that is going to be moving in there shortly, and how smart and beautiful I am, as I skip right into a giant pile of goods tucked underneath the stairways with a hand written sign that says “don’t touch, I’ll will be coming back!” Uhh... I give up.

- Jewels

Phone Bully

Ok what is wrong with people?  I’ve never ever had someone give me attitude via TTYL service.  I didn’t even know it as possible.  For those who don’t know what TTYL is it’s a free service deaf or people who don’t have ability to speak to communicate with someone by phone.  The person pretty much instant messages this service and someone calls us and replays the message.  So this resident calls, via the person who is reading the message and relays this.

Caller “So like my internet is down, and like yea I am tired of waiting for the box.”  This is all said from a monotone female voice who is reading the message that is being typed in slowly, that I could tell.

Me “Who is this and what box are you talking about.”  Because starting out with instant complain will let me know out of the 1100 people I have living here exactly who you are.

Caller “Yea this is Ms. Blah from Apartment # infinity and I tracked it down, so like um yea!”

Me “I am confused, are you asking if we have a package delivery for you?”

Caller “Umm yaaaaa” So the narrator at this point begins to read the message like she is giving me attitude.  From anyone who may ever read this and knows how this works if someone can please tell me if there is like an emotion type button you can press for the reader to read the message in a bitchy, annoyed, weird type of tone and voice.

Me “Ok it looks like they dropped of a box.  They are supposed to leave you a note.  I am sorry they didn’t notify you.”

Caller narrator interrupts me as if she is the one upset and speaks over me, which I also think it’s a function as she did not say stop go etc.  Says “Ya well you guys are supposed to post a note, why didn’t you guys do it, isn’t that your job? Huh.. um like ya.”  And this is said out loud with weird robot type voice reading this yet trying to give me attitude yet she isn’t emphasizing the correct vowels or words so it just sound completely dumb.  At which point I start to get mad, and want to serve the reader the same attitude but I realize it would be like giving attitude to a toaster.

So I politely respond and tell her that it’s a free service we provide to hold the packages but it’s the job of the delivery company to try to deliver the package to the door and if not let them know they left it at the office.  I told her we can begin to refuse the packages if she doesn’t like the delivery company or the way they are being delivered. 

The caller immediately thanks me, hangs up and picks up the package.  And the more weird part is when this person picks up the package she points to the dhl information on the package and does the wrist to chest gesture which I can only infer is she thinks they are retarded.  At which point now I think whoever the narrator or reader was obviously on her period and was probably the one who was making all the umm like and ya commands.  And if anyone is the “wrist to chest” gesture type person it was definitely this narrator/reader.

Thank God for 3 day weekends.

-Jewels

Doesn’t want to fit quiet together

Everyone savers the satisfaction of proving someone wrong.  We as professionals are not allowed to have those moments out loud and are required to be poised and gracious, the irony. So anyways todays’ dumbass moment brought to you by another resident who should refrain from procreating. So this resident, calls frantic and upset about how she has a leak in her apartment and how she has left us a message about her kitchen sink leaking since 7 am this morning, all the whilst making condescending remarks like, don’t you listen to your messages etc.  So she goes on about it and I put her on hold to get a maintenance to her unit asap.  So I explain quickly how there is a leak and someone needs to go to this unit, as my maintenance starts to laugh.  He says last night he saw her pulling her garbage disposal apart while he was working on something else and offered to help her.   Apparently she scoffed at him and told him she is well qualified and knows how to clean her garbage disposal and not to bother with it.  So I get back on the phone with her and ask her if in fact did she pull apart her garbage disposal yesterday?  Surprise, surprise.  Of course she admits to… trying to help us by cleaning it herself and that she is certain those two things are not related.  She then states that she did it correctly up to the point of putting it together, but that “it doesn’t want to fit quiet together.”  Seriously?  The garbage disposal bested you huh?

 

-Jewels

Romeo and Hooligan

Spring is the time for animal kingdom to plant its fruit.  So it is expected to hear cats in heat, bulls to go crazy and other animals to fight for the rights to reproduce.  Believe it or not this also extends to the human kind.  Spring quarter has started at near by colleges and new boyfriends and girlfriends are shacking up, and forgetting to pay their rent.  It’s now warm enough for bitter girlfriends to kick out their old boyfriends and move in someone else that’s better suited.  I may sound harsh but it is the honest truth.  So this brings me to the incident that happened over the weekend.  This gal, will call her Joyce, just finally submitted to our For-Causes to add her boyfriend to the lease, which I don’t know why she was hiding him in the first place since he totally qualified and is nice.  Anyways, this gal that always loves to put people down and show that she is some how superior or more self actualized then the mouth breathing, knuckle dragging homosapiens she treats us to be, loves to dish out unwanted love and relationship advice. Well… this wonderful person who speaks in bumper sticker terms meets her second personality and gives “the love of her life” two black eyes and gets herself arrested on domestic violence charges..  Not that I am satisfied, but….. I think she’ll keep her relationship advice to herself now.

- Jewels

No Felons Please

I am pessimist.  And I think if anything that I’ve learned in my property management experience that I can take away a personal lesson in is, trust no one.  People will say and do anything to get what they want, it maybe an apartment or some sort of free service.  None the less let me come back to my point which is, I can tell a pervert a creep or a felon from around the block.  I can look at a person and can pretty much tell you what his demands or police reports are gonna look like.  Some of these tips I pick up on, don’t take a real detective, like a very formfitting t-shirt that says “kiss me, I am Irish” with an arrow pointing downwards to a very hairy (not so) happy trail.  Or a decently expensive vehicle that (belongs to an unauthorized occupant, wisely of you to shack up with someone that lives directly across the office) has 72 point font decals on the front declaring “dropping more than just jaws” and “panty heist” on the back.  Classy, really classy.  I don’t think even Ron Burgundy would object to that statement.  I think I have been scared only a few times on the job, and it’s the unsaid underlining threat of violence that really scares me.  I’ve had bomb threats, someone who left bullet casings all along the window ceils, shot through my office window, called my office a 100 times and told me he was going to kill me and my whole entire family, nothing scares me more than a random weird looking, quite man that has beady eyes floating into the office like he he’s a cartoon character out of a Tim Burton movie, with his fly open and jail tattoos covering employer undesired areas on the body. 

 

So back to my main point.  One lovely afternoon, years ago, in the ghetto (lovely rhyme to rap song)  this man comes in, well rather floats in 15 minutes ‘til closing and asks to see an apartment, all the whilst scratching or touching his no-no area.  I politely explained that no, touring time is over and I would be happy to reschedule but at this time I can only give you the packet of information.  This man begins to moan and grown and whine for me to take him to an apartment while looking around and asking if someone else is here in the office, at which time I begin to grown a worry in my stomach.  He than reaches over into my personal space to grab a pen and to make notes on the packet of the info, he than places the pen in his pocket and keeps reaching out to grab another one, than places that pen behind his ear.  During our what seemed to be like a very long conversation he kept extracting pens from my personal area and putting them in any place he had on him.  He than interestingly enough begins to pick his nose and flick what he could dig out of there unto the carpet, with out a shame.  Further more, he than asks to see the apartment the 5^th or the 6^th time at which point I internally begin to panic and look for the closest exit signs, while trying to maintain my composure.  I was very green back in the day and didn’t know how to get out of this with out violating any fair housing laws, but I figured avoiding getting cut up in tiny little pieces I should go with my gut.  I began to tell him about the area were in and how conveniently we are located to shopping, coffee houses and a…. police station, and a few schools.  I hoped he would catch on and respond to what I am putting down, and he did, to the fact that we’re to close to schools!! (Gross)  He explained that he was “wrongfully” accused years ago and now can’t live with in a 1000 feet of a school.  I was right, not elated by my judging skills, but happy he prequalified himself.  Thank you for stealing all my pens, dirtying up my carpet, owe and saving yourself a returned trip to find out we don’t want yeer kind around here hhhhanyways!

-Jewels

What? I have to pay rent?!

One day, from my past, I heard the best excuse of why someone failed to pay their subsidized rent.  This means that government decided it would be in everyone’s best interest to allow these fine gentleman and madams on a permanent vacation and disallowing them to contribute anything to the world.  Anyway one day this gal waddles into the leasing office and tells me she can not pay her $5 dollar rent.  I’m sure you just defecated yourself.  Well this gal walks in very slowly, of course why should you hurry you have no where to be!  Comes in with a pack of Marlboros in hand and packs them loudly against her other hand while she is yelling over the noise to tell me she will be a few weeks late on her rent.  After politely explaining that no in fact we can not wait a couple of weeks for you to come up with $5 dollars, or 20 quarters or 100 empty pop cans.  The woman flies into an angry rant how she’s going to call the cops on us, and that it’s ridiculous that we would evict her over $5 dollars!  (I spoke with Santa and he said its ok.) Whilst she opened up the new pack and stuck one cigarette behind her ear, (sexy by the way) You are right.  My apologies.  It is completely unacceptable to expect you to pay your messily $5 rent, let alone on time.  I knew, I should have known better. I can't.

-Jewels

The Wrong Type of Brown

The other day one of my staff had the pleasure of being called a racist.  Let me paint the picture for ya.  These folks who possess less than quarter of a “lick of” English, my favorite unit of measurement, come and apply.  Seem like a nice couple, however have no way of communicating.  Well communicating in regards to items that are not in their favor.  Very puzzled conversation shortly turned into a spelling bee competition, than shirades after my leasing agent asked for the application fees.  Imagine flailing arms, puzzled facial expressions, hours of staring at each other, great time.  After being screened and denied for property debt they found a translator! Urica! Their English speaking, very unpleasant family members called to challenge it and explain it is really not their fault they have to break a lease and they have no way of paying for it and that we can’t discriminate against poverty.  Excuse me sweet heart, your moving into low income housing, not sure how that would even work.  Alright, well pay your debt and move on.  No, the more sensible option is the most expensive and thus must be avoided. The option that was presented to them seemed like it sounded a bit differently and a such “lie to the current landlord to tell them we said we will approve them as soon as you get on a payment agreement” or it must of sounded like “call the screening company and tell them they already paid it.”  Not smart enough to figure that everything gets to be verified?  Why do you think your providing the information for?  Ok so lying doesn’t work, maybe yell and call us names and maybe you will get your money back?  Yes I think that’s the next move to get what you want.  Telling us to get common sense, and accusing us of having none because I am a woman (yes please do go further) than accusing us of being racist.  Yes I take accusations very seriously sir.  Please describe the person that was discriminating against you, was it the staff member that speaks the same language as you, the Native-Cherokee, the Mexican maintenance man, the Russian, or the one from Columbia.  Racist against what?  Racist against your money?  The wrong type of brown?!  Yes please yell at me how your family doesn’t have money to keep spending on the application fees.  Do I work for fun?  I must come here for the pleasure of being in constant fear of what adventure are next, yes that's it.  Genius.  Please procreate.

-Jewels

Appliances Gone Mad

A neurotic, unemployed woman who calls about the most interesting requests phoned last night to put in a work order.  Her first request was to check the heater.  Ok sounds reasonable, after all everyone should have heat, in this 69 degree weather, but whatever.  We try to get the details on the work orders to save maintenance some time.  So we asked what was wrong.  She said that it blew hot and cold air at the same time.  Not sure how a wall heater with one vent would do that.  Alright, go on.  “Yes the heater is blowing hot air and by the time it gets to my side of the apartment it blows cold air.”  One – why don’t you use the heater in the bedroom that you are in?  Two – the heater does not have an AC option so how would it produce cold air?  Keep going with your sensible request.  “The heater is giving me a headache because it’s inconsistent so I am going to go to the doctor to get blood work.”  Yes please, please do.  While you’re there have them do a x-ray scan of your head, and see the two remaining cells that are bouncing around there, quiet slowly.    It doesn’t stop here.  Other request is she wants a new dishwasher rack.  Why you ask?!  Weeeeelllll… it’s because the plastic is coming of the wire rack and it’s exposing the metal underneath which is causing poisonous chemicals to deposit on her dishes and causing her extreme stomach pains.  Yes that is the genius plan of LG appliance company to partner with new Obama Care, to find a way to send you to the hospital, to charge you obscene amount of money, and spend a ton of time to check for deceases you don’t have, to than pay for everything, since you decided your time is better well spend being unemployed collecting State benefits and creating lists of deceases you don’t have.  Ehhh.. Full circle of life.  That my friends is nAture. =)

 

Should I keep going?  Yes folks, there’s more.  She requests a very specific time of 4:45 pm on Friday and she asks that you wear a hazmat suit.  I wont rant, I’ll let your mind just explode on its own self.

- Jewels

Wear a helmet

It takes a special kind of person to work in the property management industry.  By special.. I mean a deranged sadomasochist who gets off on verbal and emotional abuse.  That unhelpful and underemphasized cliché of a phrase “you haven’t lived until you worked as property manager”, (yes we use that phrase) is just a drop in the ocean of what the job and the act entails on day to day.  When I come home and tell my husband and friends about the day I had, no one believes me. 

Ha! Should I be so lucky to over embellish of the unfortunate events that occur.  I used to take it personal when someone would yell at me and demand very unreasonable things.  I thought to myself, how can I overcome these symptoms of the obvious insanity that’s sweeping through the rental property nation... Join them!  Well not technically.  The overused excuse “I have a mental disability” for every non compliance... well I developed my own to fight the never ending battle.  Sort of… well if I haven’t yet, if I continue to work here I may go crazy.

I learned to laugh now, which seems like a good thing, however, it depleted by sympathy bank.  I can’t take anyone serious anymore.  I mean… I can’t.  Owe you have ants so you brought a blow torch to get rid of them?!  Yes, please, very sensible.  Owe you have an emergency leak?  Out side you say?  Near the sidewalk?  By chance is it near that sprinkler, that’s on, and creating a puddle?  Owe it is?! Great let me get someone one on that puddle.  Owe you don’t think you should pay your rent because you didn’t get a brand new apartment when you moved in?!  Are you kidding me?  I am not even sure how to respond to that.  Alkaudgohagnad.  Like that?!  Yes like that.  Since you are not making any sense, why should I?

So I think memorializing these precious moments will allow anyone who sees’s this post and is in a similar industry smile a bit, or at the very least it will give cops a heads up on what transpired before I killed myself.  Just kidding. =)

So the last few days have been comical and were the straw that tipped my sanity over to the other side.

-Jewels